said Torvill Marie Gronroos, in response to an accusation that she is a stone-cold killer. "I was out doing my business, you-know, with my bro' and my person (leashed, I swear), when I stumbled on a hidden treasure. Right under a bush, behind the mailboxes, was the dessicated corpse of some kind of rodent. So naturally, I snapped it up - I'm a terrier, people. Let's call a garden tool a garden tool."
An eyewitness, Wagner "Woogie" Gronroos, claims that Ms. Gronroos snapped the rodent in half, that in fact it was still alive and squirming. He believes that not only should Ms. Gronroos be subject to appropriate legal action, but the rodent, as her property, should devolve to her next-of-kin. Which would be her brother, "Woogie" Gronroos. Authorities are still weighing the probative value of his statement.
But what happened next is the true mystery: brutal daylight mugging, or selfless act of heroism? Since Ms. Gronroos' person is obviously not able to speak comprehensibly, we can only interpret her actions.
Ms. Gronroos states that after prancing away from the bush, toward her brother, with nothing more than simple gloatery in mind, her person suddenly began making high-pitched squealing noises. Then the person, who has been a beloved part of the Gronroos pack since 1995, jumped on Ms. Gronroos from behind and tried to pry her jaws open.
"Well, as I mentioned earlier, I am a terrier, so obviously ol' Thumbs couldn't do anything. But I didn't want to hurt her, so I just growled. This went on for several minutes, until Thumbs got the bright idea to stick her entire hand in my mouth." Ms. Gronroos paused, still distraught over the gruesome incident. "I really don't know why she went off like that - we've never hurt her, and we've always shared our decomposing corpses and garbage treats with her. Or tried to - she doesn't have a strong stomach.
"Anyway, she stuck her whole hand in my mouth, trying to prevent me from swallowing the rodent. I guess, accidentally, I may have punctured the skin on one of her fingers, but only because I was trying to hang on to the rat. You can't walk the street of Mira Mesa with bling like that just dangling from your mouth!"
Mr. Gronroos takes up the story from there. 'Well, you should have seen them wrestling in the middle of the mailbox area, with all the other people in their cars driving by. It was great - and I was only holding back because I didn't want to hurt either of them."
At this, Ms. Gronroos slants a ferocious glare at her brother. "Right! Sure! Anyway, I finally had her where I was on my back and she was at all four paws length, yelling and pulling at the rodent - and then I decided to let go. If she really wanted the rodent that badly, I was happy to introduce her to some fine cuisine. I expected thanks, but of course, I didn't get anything but more shouting and a really lousy dinner. You just can't get good help these days," she sighs.
Sharp Rees-Stealy Urgent Care reports that the Gronroos' person received a tetanus shot, and a bandage for the very small puncture wound on the person's right middle finger. The Urgent Care facility reports that the puncture is very small, and it was only the presence of the rodent in Ms. Gronroos' mouth that made the shot necessary. The person's instructions include keeping the finger clean and dry, and reporting any signs of bubonic plague or hantavirus on the finger immediately.
Final thoughts from the Gronroos pack? Ms. Gronroos says, "I saw a side of Thumbs that I've never seen before. It's disturbing."
Mr. Gronroos said,"I shoulda had that dead thing first, I coulda been a contender."
And Thumbs, when addressed, said,"Blah blah blah, Tori, blah, blah blah blah blah, Woogie. Blah blah."